Have You Heard the Good News? That Megachurch just opened a Coffee Shop!

There’s nothing quite like going into your favorite local coffee shop and ordering a good cup of coffee. There are already many established coffee shops in the city that offer up plenty of good products, and here comes another!  Have you heard the good news? There’s a brand spanking new coffee shop that just opened up. It’s owned by the church! Yes, you know the one, that nondenominational church that has services in the theater every Sunday. I know, church in a theater, it’s a little on the nose, isn’t it?

See how spacious this shop is? That’s what you can accomplish with the love of the Lord and a large amount of grant money. It’s such a different vibe from those silly “intimate” cafes with repurposed furniture and local art on the walls. Table after table ready for people to come in, visit with friends, work on their laptops, or proselytize for the Lord. People don’t want to drink in coffee shops and listen to poetry anymore; they want to listen to Christian rock music while they watch mass construction work through giant glass windows. And for extra convenience, they pipe the Christian rock music into their outdoor speakers so people on the sidewalk can listen to it! 

But the coffee shop is just one feature of the building. Upstairs is the new academy, providing daycare and afterschool programming for families that need them. Who can argue with a service like that, right? The coffee shop was just a bonus addition to the first floor to help draw people in…to the building, not the church! Ha ha ha. And don’t worry about the safety of being located downtown; the city is mere months away from passing an ordinance where homeless people can be executed on sight! There’s nothing else we can do to help them anyway, right?

Perhaps you’re worried about how this new coffee place could take business away from the smaller, not-funded-by-the-city shops that already exist? Don’t worry about that, there’s room in this city for everyone! Of course, some of the higher ups at the church don’t agree, since they tried to discreetly have the Pride event canceled last year, because “nondenominational church” can still mean, “One of the bad ones that isn’t as welcoming as it pretends to be.” Try not to think about it too much, though, it’ll make your coffee bitter (in a bad way).

How silly is it, owning a coffee shop and being anti-gay? I mean who knows coffee better than the gays? Who is drinking iced lattes in 10-degree weather? Who loves a tasty little snack after the gym? Anti-gay coffee shops always have menus full of sugary, milky, coffee-less options that are flavored like candy bars and cakes. Why? Because they never bothered growing up past their childhood tastes and ideals. Because, let’s be honest, hating gays means you have very little taste.

But no, no, this is great. It would be very petty and spiteful to not welcome this new shop to the neighborhood with open arms and wallets. Would be “unChristian” of us. So here’s this new coffee shop, give it a go if you’d like. If you can’t find it right away, then just listen for the Christian rock from two blocks away. If it were any other kind of music, there would probably be noise complaints. But go, enjoy yourself. Drop your kid off at daycare and then go get a coffee with latte art in the shape of a cross. Nothing kitschy about that. Is this the beginning of one church’s takeover of the city? Who knows! Have a frozen croissant sandwich. Be blessed.

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